Today I want to forgive everyone

Today I want to forgive everyone
(You know who you are):
You hurt my so badly then
And I was so defenseless;
You scarred me for life
Inside –
A doll with a disfigured heart –
Or so I thought.
But tonight, I see ...
You are like me;
I could have done what you did
To another,
Weaker then me
In your shoes,
Desperate enough
Overwhelmed enough
Frightened enough
Blind enough ...
I know that feeling,
And I want you to know

That I wanted to kill you
So many times
In my dreams,
To watch you suffer like a gutted pig
With his entrails plucked from the living flesh
One by one like hateful berries
So that you could know what I felt then,
And then pound your writhing carcass
With my bare fists into a pile of mashed dust
So that I knew you were dead
And could not return...
And now I rage against the stars
And every dumb glance
And spurn the earth itself
And don’t know who I am

I look at my reflection
And see what I do;
I know I could use someone too.

Ant

Ant ant
Where do you go!
Around and around in circles
On my table
Like a manic beachcomber!
What are you searching for?
(Are you afraid?)
The bright light from my desk lamp
Shines on you like a convict in the yard...
You scale the height of my notebook pages,
Descend
And conquer the great Post-it,
Curl yourself in a ball,
Instantly release
And scramble down again,
Trek across the flat plastic
And disappear!

Young Heart

Incapable and afraid
Where do I turn?
My young heart melted some time ago.

Dispossed

Out of luck
Empty
Lonely
And studious,
Wondering about the other side:
Freedom
Fun
Romping
Looseness;
Not for me
Not for me
Not for everyone;
These others,
The dispossessed.

Saturday Night

Another meek aborted dinner,
Nothing turned out right;
Hungry and frustrated,
Worried
Will I have energy tomorrow?
Will I disappoint?
And bored:
My ex-girlfriend/friend/girl friend
Going to bed early –
Like last time –
Children’s voices lilting in the night
Next door,
Singing along to a strummy
Upbeat tune;
The family I live with
Arrives home
Beyond my door –
I pause, listening,
Close the blinds;
Minutes later she calls me from outside the window,
Tipsy –
I stand up
Pull up the blind,
Open the window slats,
We talk in Spanish
(I understand half):
The washing machine’s not fixed
But usable;
As she demonstrates the necessary steps
Over the machine
I stand behind her
Watching the shirt lift off her full lower back
Above her belt;
We re-enter the house together,
She makes a joke –
I laugh consciously
Blurt goodbye
And close the door behind me
Thinking about her.

At the End

Dogs barking uncontrollably,
Children shrieking next door,
Phone ringing non-stop –
No one listening –
Washer huffing and spinning outside,
Mad at my ex-girlfriend –
She never has time for me –
Head aching because I walked around
For hours in the heat
Among so many sun-strained bodies
Poorly dressed,
And a homeless man picking his bloated single leg,
The other farted as we walked by
Before witnessing an evangelical service
In a language I didn’t understand,
Where everyone rose up from their seats
And surrounded the excited preacher on the stage
At the end,
When the lights went out.

Alone not unhappy

Alone
Not unhappy,
Feeling my strength
In rivulets,
Like drops from an IV
Coming back to my heart
Long like a sapped machine;
Alive with rebuke,
Standing firm now,
Afraid but still,
Awaiting the response.